OOR HAMLET words by Adam McNaughton, music traditional (tune 'The Mason's Apron'), translated from Scots by Dan Maher There was this king sitting in his garden all alone [1] When his brother in his ear poured a wee bit o' henbane, He stole his brother's crown and his money and his widow But the dead king walked and got his son and said "Hey listen, kiddo "I've been killed, and it's your duty now to take revenge on Claudius; Kill him quick and clean and show the nation what a fraud he is." The boy said "Right, I'll do it. But I'll have to play it crafty So that nobody will suspect me, I'll put on that I'm a dafty." Then with all except Horatio, cuz he trusts him as a friend, Hamlet - that's the boy - puts on he's round the bend And because he was not ready for obligatory killing He tried to make the king think he was tuppence off the shilling: Got a rise out of Polonius, treats poor Ophelia vile, Told Rosencrantz and Guildenstern that Denmark was a jail. Then a troupe of travelling actors, like Seven Eighty-four, [2] Arrived to do a special one night gig in Elsinore. Hamlet, Hamlet -- loved his mommy Hamlet, Hamlet -- acting barmy Hamlet, Hamlet -- hesitating Wonders if the ghost's a fake, and that is why he's waiting. Then Hamlet wrote a scene for the players to enact While Horatio and he watched to see if Claudius cracked. The play was called "The Mousetrap" (not the one that's running now), And sure enough, the king walked out before the final bow. So Hamlet's got the proof that Claudius gave his dad the dose, The only problem being, now, that Claudius knows he knows, So while Hamlet tells his mother her new husband's not a fit one, Uncle Claude puts out a contract, with the English king as hit man. And when Hamlet killed Polonius, and concealed corpus delecti - Was the king's excuse to send him for an English hempen necktie With Rosencrantz and Guildenstern to make sure he got there, Hamlet jumped the boat and put the finger on that pair. Meanwhile Leartes heard his dad had been stabbed through the arras [3] He came running back to Elsinore, toot-sweet, hotfoot from Paris. Ophelia, with her dad killed by the man she wished to marry, After saying it with flowers, she committed hari-cari. [4] Hamlet, Hamlet -- no messin' Hamlet, Hamlet -- learned his lesson Hamlet, Hamlet -- Yoric's crust Convinced him that men, good or bad, at last must come to dust. Then Leartes lost his cool and was demanding retribution. And the king said "Keep your head, and I'll provide you a solution," He arranged a sword fight for the interested parties, With a blunted sword for Hamlet, and a sharpened sword for Leartes. To make things double sure, the old "belt and braces" line, [5] He fixed a poison sword tip, and a poison cup of wine. The poison sword got Hamlet, but Leartes went and muffed it Because he got stabbed himself, and he confessed before he snuffed it. Then Hamlet's mommy drank the wine, and as her face turned blue Hamlet said "I think this king's a baddie through and through." "Incestuous, murderous, damned Dane," he said to be precise, And made up for hesitating once by killing Claudius twice, 'Cause he stabbed him with a sword and forced the wine between his lips. He cried "The rest is silence," and then cashed in all his chips. They fired a volley over him that shook the topmost rafter. And Fortinbras, knee-deep in Danes, lived happily ever after. Hamlet, Hamlet -- ah the gory. Hamlet, Hamlet -- end of story. Hamlet, Hamlet -- I'm away, If you think that was boring, you should read the bloody play! ----- I originally heard about this song through Ed Miller who is a big fan of Adam McNaughtan, but when I heard an English translation from Tania Opland of Opland and Freeman, I asked her for the lyrics. She got her translation from Dan Maher who is very familiar with the Scots dialect. I didn't like all the changes made, so I switched a few back to the original version and kept some of Dan's better changes. The original version is located below the notes. The following notes were provided by Tania Opland: [1] This is the one place I think the rhyme scheme suffers -- it should be "alane" instead of "alone" [2] Someone finally explained this line to me last week. Seven Eighty-four was a drama troupe that showed up one year (1960s or 70s, I think) at the Edinburgh Festival. I got the impression from what I was told that they weren't scheduled, but came unannounced and used guerilla theatre tactics to promote their political agenda: redistribution of wealth. The name came from statistics that 7% of Britain's population controlled 84% of its wealth. The guy who was telling me about this said his brother had done some checking to see how Ireland compared, and found the distribution to be almost identical. I wonder how the US measures up...? [3] The arras is the nook in the wall behind the curtain where Polonius was hiding. [4] sort of a Northern English/Scottish "can't be bothered to learn any of them foreign words" version of hara-kiri. Hara-kiri is, of course, a Japanese form of ritual suicide. So is seppaku. But not haiku. [5] You probably know this already, but since I'm doing footnotes ... braces are what suspenders are called in Britain, and "belt and braces" is a standard catch phrase for having a back-up plan. ----- Scots Version The words are by Adam McNaughtan, the tune is "The Mason's Apron", McNaughtan called the song "Oor Hamlet", and it's been performed by quite a lot of people in a couple of different idioms. I've enclosed two versions below, followed by a couple of notes. Other related items I've not included are a Grendel retelling in the same style and to the same tune (but with a different author, I think), and another McNaughtan piece retelling The Scottish Play which I've never heard but which I'm told is even more tongue-twisting. Here are his sleeve notes for it from McNaughtan's album "Words, Words, Words", (CTRAX013 Greentrax Records 3 Morven Street, Edinburgh EH47LG Scotland Tel. 031-339-4567; reference also given as Trivial Fond Records, TF1, 44 Kingslyn Drive, Glasgow G44): "I, Adam McNaughtan, being of sound mind, write my own sleeve-notes. I lived the first twenty-five years of my life in the East End of Glasgow and I have a few years to go before I have served that long in the Soo'side. I sing my own and other people's songs without accompaniment. My detractors claim that I only break the monotony by pitching every third song too high. Most of my songs are humorous. That is, they make me laugh. ... The first act of 'Oor Hamlet' was written when I was reading the play with a fifth-year class at Cathkin High School. It then lay untouched for a year, until I saw a letter in 'Sandy Bell's Broadsheet' which I felt overstated the case for singing more ballads in folk clubs. The writer, Sheila Douglas, had made a comparison between the plots of the ballads and the plot of'Hamlet'. This proved to be the stimulus I needed and I finished the 'poem' very quickly. Even before I sent it off, however, I realised that with slight amendments and additions it could be sung to the tune of 'The Mason's Apron'." ---------------------------------------------------------------------- From McNaughtan's record insert notes: Ane excellent old song entitled "Oor Hamlet". Directed to be sung to the famous Scotch tune of "The Mason's Apron". There was this king sitting in his gairden a' alane, When his brither in his ear poured a wee tate o' henbane. Then he stole his brither's crown an' his money an' his widow, But the deid king walked an' goat his son an' said, "Hey, listen, kiddo, Ah've been kilt an' it's your duty to take revenge on Claudius, Kill him quick an' clean an' show the nation whit a fraud he is." The boay says, "Right, Ah'll dae it but Ah'll need to play it crafty - So that naeb'dy will suspect me, Ah'll kid oan that Ah'm a dafty. So wi' a' excep' Horatio - an' he trusts him as a friend - Hamlet, that's the boay, kids oan he's roon' the bend, An' because he wisnae ready for obligatory killin', He tried to make the king think he was tuppence aff the shillin'. Took the mickey oot Polonius, treatit poor Ophelia vile, Tellt Rosencrantz an' Guildenstern that Denmark was a jile. Then a troupe o' travellin' actors like 7.84 Arrived to dae a special wan-night gig in Elsinore. Hamlet! Hamlet! Loved his mammy! Hamlet! Hamlet! Acting balmy! Hamlet! Hamlet! Hesitatin', Wonders if the ghost's a cheat An' that is how he's waitin'. Then Hamlet wrote a scene for the players to enact While Horatio an' him watch to see if Claudius cracked. The play was ca'd "The Mousetrap" - no the wan that's runnin' noo - An' sure enough the king walked oot afore the scene was through. So Hamlet's goat the proof that Claudius gi'ed his da the dose, The only problem being noo that Claudius knows he knows. So while Hamlet tells his ma that her new husband's no a fit wan, Uncle Claud pits oot a contract wi' the English king as hit-man. Then when Hamlet kilt Polonius, the concealed corpus delecti Was the king's excuse to send him for an English hempen neck-tie, Wi' Rosencrantz an' Gildenstrern to make sure that he goat there, But Hamlet jumped the boat an' pit the finger oan that pair. Meanwhile Laertes heard his da had been stabbed through the arras. He came racin' back to Elsinore tout suite, hotfoot fae Paris, An' Ophelia wi' her da kilt by the man she wished to marry - Eftir sayin' it wi' flooers, she comittit hari-kari. Hamlet! Hamlet! Nae messin'! Hamlet! Hamlet! Learnt his lesson! Hamlet! Hamlet! Yorick's crust Convinced him that men, good or bad, At last must come to dust. Then Laertes loast the place an' was demandin' retribution, An' the king says, "Keep the heid an' Ah'll provide ye a solution." He arranged a sword-fight for the interestit pairties, Wi' a bluntit sword for Hamlet an' a shairp sword for Laertes. An' to make things double sure (the auld belt-an'-braces line) He fixed a poisont sword-tip an' a poisont cup o' wine. The poisont sword goat Hamlet but Laertes went an' muffed it, 'Cause he goat stabbed hissel, an' he confessed afore he snuffed it. Hamlet's mammy drank the wine an' as her face turnt blue, Hamlet says, "Ah quite believe the king's a baddy noo." "Incestuous, treacherous, damned Dane," he said, to be precise, An' made up for hesitatin' by killin' Claudius twice. 'Cause he stabbed him wi' the sword an' forced the wine atween his lips. Then he cried, "The rest is silence!" That was Hamlet hud his chips. They firet a volley over him that shook the topmaist rafter, An' Fortinbras, knee-deep in Danes, lived happy ever after. Hamlet! Hamlet! A' the gory! Hamlet! Hamlet! End of story! Hamlet! Hamlet! Ah'm away! If you think this is borin', Ye should read the bloody play.