Johannes' Trip to China
My friend Jimmy
Rimmer went to China with his girlfriend. He came back with a wonderous
and often comical tale about the differences in our cultures.
Min dragged my lazy,
provincial butt halfway around the world to China.
And I liked it.
I have to say... of
the countries I've visited outside the USA, China's
easily my favorite. In fact, I'd consider moving there if they had a Bill
of Rights and private ownership of land.
Min arrived a week
before me. I met her in Shanghai, where we spent two
nights at a rather nice hotel with broadband internet access, that called
itself a "service apartment." I got to meet her cousin Ling,
and her
eldest uncle's family, including another cousin, Lei Li (whose "English"
name changes from day to day) and his girlfriend, Helen. Helen's cute.
I told him to keep her, or else I'd take her. "Stay away from her!"
he
responds. Helen then thanked me for bringing that response out of him...
"I didn't know he cared so much!" *wink wink, nudge nudge*
Anyhow, the six of
us -- Min, Helen, Lei Li, Big Uncle and Aunt, and I all
had dinner together, cooked by Auntie. It was delicious, and the first
of
many wonderful dinners I'd have with friends and family.
Helen's English was
odd... she grew up in California a bit, so she had a
Northern California accent... but her English wasn't quite so good other
than that, so occasionally her word choice sounded like something a
Chinese person would use. Sort of the opposite of Min, although at one
point during the trip, Min said, "I think my English is regretting.
Uhm... regressing." (And later: "OK, so my English are bad,
so what?")
I also got to meet
Min's maternal grandmother at this point. She kept a
lot of the things we bought in Shanghai for us, while we went to Qingdao.
Qingdao (Tsingtao)
is a beautiful city by the sea, where Min grew up.
Despite a lot of fresh traffic, it is still a very beautiful and idyllic
city. We spent three nights in Min's old home.
This was the first
real culture shock -- as much for Min as for me, it
seemed. The place hadn't been lived in regularly for about 11 years (only
occasionally having Min's mother's friend Fan stay there) and so it needed
a bit of cleaning before it was acceptable for our standards. The first
night, we ate fabulous dumplings at a local shop, and I got my first taste
of Tsingtao beer close to the source.
It was incredible.
We did some shopping
the next day, and for dinner, joined with Fan. I
have to confess that I began the evening not very impressed with Fan (due
to the condition of Min's apartment) but three 628ml bottles of Tsingtao
(each!) later, he and I were the best of friends.
Since it was just
the three of us, Min was able to translate conversations
back and forth, and did a fabulous job. At one point, she tells me, "Fan
says you're a very handsome man."
"Is he hitting
on me?" (She translates this for him.) "He says, 'Yes!'"
"A few more drinks,
and I might very well be drunk enough to take him up
on it!" We had to toast to that.
No, I didn't take
him up on it. I wasn't that drunk.
The next night, after
swimming in the ocean and more shopping, we joined
with Min's friends. This night, Min was much more interested in talking
to her friends, which was fine for me. Meanwhile, her friends were doing
their best to get me as drunk as possible, and I ended the evening even
drunker than the night before. I'd heard the expression "drink you
under
the table" before, but it wasn't until that night that I understood
what
it meant, as I truly was ready to crawl under the table and sleep the
alcohol off.
But still not drunk
enough to take Fan up on his offer. :)
We had a late night
while we packed, and then left for the airport to fly
to Beijing.
In Beijing (Peking),
and joined up with Wil and Min's cousin, Ling. We
spent the next few nights as the guests of Min's best friend Yang and
her
husband. The four of us then hopped on an overnight high-speed train back
to Shanghai for two more nights.
Before we even made
it back to Yang's apartment, we went to the Great Wall
and to (as Yang said) "a dead Emperor's house." This was the
day of the
Moon Festival, sort of the Chinese Thanksgiving. The Great Wall is
impresive, but get this: The area where the Wall was was surrounded by
the Great Chain Link fence. That's right... the Wall intended to keep
Mongolians out was surrounded by a fence designed to keep people away
from
it.
Perhaps due to the
holiday, there was a sideshow attraction of a tightrope
walker going a very long way -- without a net -- across the expanse of
the
valley. The Wall also has a small roller-coaster ride that starts at the
top, and goes to a small area where Sun Bears beg for treats from
visitors.
And the entire time,
all I could think was, "Darn you Mongorians! You
destroyed my Chity Wall!"
I'd heard a lot about
how Yang's husband, Howard, was a very high-ranking
government official, in charge of building all new power plants. Which
seemed very odd to me at the end of the trip, because what I noticed most
about him was what a fun guy he was to be around. The whole room seemed
to light up in his presence. He, too, will drink you and your friends
under the table, and the first night we shared a ludicrously strong (112
proof) plum wine with him. And that struck me much more than his
position, and seemed to be the key to his character. But then, as Min
pointed out to me later, what else would I expect from the man whom Yang
married?
The next day, we hit
the Forbidden City and the park north of it. Ling
wanted to go to the Temple of somethingoranother, but I was the party
pooper, because my feet were beginning to get very sore. Min didn't join
us on the sightseeing, because her throat was sore.
We had yet another
fabulous meal together, where Howie was unfortunately
called on business to drink with some people, and we had to get drivers
to
take us back to his place.
The next day, we went
to the Summer Palace briefly, taking a rather
uneventful boat ride to get there. The Summer Palace included a spot
where the Eight Powers had burned some buildings to the ground and they
had remained in ashes (almost everything everywhere we went was either
restored, in the process of being restored, or to be restored soon) for
the purpose of "patriotic education."
The next day, we shopped.
BOY did we shop.
Or rather, Wil and
I shopped, and Min and Ling bought.
Before I'd left, Min's
mother told me not to buy anything -- but instead
to give money to Min, and have her buy it. Because, being a foreigner,
I
automatically got the foreigner mark-up. She wasn't kidding.
All prices in China
are negotiable. Don't let them tell you otherwise.
And Min and Ling are among the best, but having two white guys around
is a
bit of a handicap.
So we split up. Wil
and I would go around and look for things we wanted.
We'd occasionally meet up with Min and Ling and tell them what we saw
(and
sometimes where we saw it). Min and Ling would then haggle down to the
lowest price for locals, and buy it.
Occasionally they'd
figure it out -- such as when they'd buy it, and then
drag us over to check the size. And they got mad. But hey, fair is
fair... One other lady shouted at me, "Hey, you! How much you pay
for
that bag? How much you pay?" I muttered, "Nuthin'," and
kept walking. :)
I'm bad, aren't I?
We then met Ling and
Min's Great Great Aunt, an eightysomething with at
least another eighty years in her, and another of Min's aunt's who for
reason I won't go into here I named "Auntie Nipple." We got
to see how
the old neighborhoods are being torn down or hidden as Beijing's
remodelling project for the 2008 Olympics. Great Great Aunt's place is
in
a neighborhood where, once you hit the street, you turn around and no
longer can see the neighborhood you just came from -- it's been surrounded
by a large painted wall, and unless you knew the neighborhood was there,
you'd probably miss it. Auntie Nipple and the rest of us then went out
for dinner.
I'd known how to insult
people in Shanghainese up until this point, and
Wil hadn't. This night, Min, Ling, Wil and I sat up late chatting, and
Ling finally taught Wil how to insult me back. :)
The next day, we caught
a high-speed overnight train back to Shanghai.
There, I met Min's paternal Grandmother, who is 97, bedridden, kept
rubbing my bare knee with her hand, and goes to McDonald's every day to
eat french fries dipped in ice cream. We had dinner with her Aunt and
her
third Uncle at yet another great restaurant, featuring more great seafood,
but prepared with more sauces and effort than the food in Qingdao.
We did more shopping
the next day, but I must confess I was running out of
steam.
That last night, Min's
mother's entire family was treated by her oldest
uncle to dinner at what was far and away the fanciest restaurant of the
bunch. I got to meet her second uncle this time, who would drive us to
the airport the next morning, and all three uncles toasted me. I mean
that in both senses of the word -- they proposed toasts, and fried my
brain yet again with good champagne. (The waitress was a dear; she was
kind enough not to fill my glass completely full every time, seeing how
each uncle would say, "Gam beh!" meaning to empty the glass.)
Min and I then flew
back, and Wil stayed for a couple more nights before
making his way back to Irvine.
A few random thoughts.
1. The first thing
I noticed when I got back were Americans. GOOD LORD,
PEOPLE -- GO ON A FRICKIN' DIET!!! GET SOME EXERCISE!!! YOU PEOPLE ARE
-FAT-!!! I've heard that between 60%-75% of Americans are overweight.
>From what I saw at the SFO, SAN, DFW and New Orleans airports alone,
I'd
guess that both estimates are on the low side. Jesus, folks, look at
yourselves.
On the other hand,
American women have larger breasts, so that makes up
for it. Almost.
2. The weather was
not unbearably hot. Min's cousin, on the other hand...
3. The Northern Chinese,
unlike the Southern Chinese, will drink you under
the table. I had to explain that I was a disgrace to my
Scotch-Irish/German roots. I get a headache now every time I hear,
"Gam beh!" (Which is Chinese for, "Bottoms up!" and
probably very bad
pinyin.)
4. The Chinese drive
on the right side of the road, in every city except
for Qingdao. In Qingdao, they drive on whatever side of the road is most
convenient. And signs saying things like "One Way" are merely
suggestions. Qingdao makes up for this by having the coolest stoplights
in the world -- that have counters telling you how many seconds you have
until the next change.
Chinese stoplights
in general are interesting. Before turning yellow, the
green light flashes for a few seconds. Then, before turning green again,
the yellow light comes on briefly, so that the red and yellow are both
on.
Some major intersections
in Beijing had no stoplights at all.
5. As I was landing
in Dallas on the way to the Tulane game, I pointed out
suburban Dallas to the lady beside me, and remakred (not that she'd
asked): "See that? That's what RURAL China looks like." Except,
of
course, without the SUVs and swimming pools... but the density is right
about the same.
6. Come to think of
it, there is no "rural" China. It's all just one big
city, that gets really, really, really dense as you approach places with
names. If you've seen Jester Center at UT-Austin, imagine block after
block after block of Jester Centers, extending for miles in every
direction, and that gives you an idea of what 1.2 billion people looks
like. Or, you can imagine Queens, NY extending for miles in all
directions.
7. Volkswagens. Everywhere.
Other than trucks and cute little vans, 50%
of the autos we saw were Volkswagen Santanas. 25% of them were other
Volkswagens, and Audis (owned by VW). The rest of the cars were Buicks,
Citroens, some local marques, BMWs, and the occasional (but rare) Toyota
or Honda.
8. China Eastern airlines
sucks.
9. Did you know that
oranges were one of the major stopping blocks to
China entering the WTO? Neither did I. China has so little space
available to grow oranges, and due to government subsidies, American
growers can ship theirs to China for less than China can sell their own.
The oranges they do have, however, are quite delicious.
10. Wil and I stood
in Tianmen square without even knowing we were in it.
The reason for this is that Min was sick while we were in Beijing (we
think because of the pollution), and so the only tour guide we had was
Ling, who although she understands a good bit of English, won't speak
it.
(She's shy.)
11. Tianmen square
was not a pleasant topic of conversation, but
enlightening. If I understand correctly, a lot of people are upset,
because they perceive that people who were involved were just using the
experience (in fact, had planned for this all along) to be a way to get
an
easy visa to the USA, or had then used the experience to turn in their
friends to the Chinese government for their own gain. I don't think they
rule out the possibility that there were people who really believed in
what they were doing, but that's my perception of their perception. Thus,
it is complete hearsay, and totally unreliable.
But enlightening.
12. Dinner in Qingdao
the first night, with Fan:
Fried fish
Boiled crab
Boiled shrimp
Boiled <something related to shrimp, but uglier and sweeter-tasting>
Boiled clams
Abalone soup
Garlic sprouts
etc
In other words, almost
everything was simply thrown live into a pot of
boiling water and served as such. It was the best seafood I've ever
eaten.
This was then washed
down with 5.6 liters of Tsingtao Premium Draft.
A similar experience
happened the next night with Min's High School
friends.
13. In Beijing, Min
took us out to a restaurant owned, run, and featuring
the food of a Muslim minority group that hails for western China.
Unfortunately, the reputation of the place had preceeded it so much since
the last time she'd been there that it had converted itself almost
completely into a tourist trap. That was kind of disappointing. The lamb
was very good, anyhow.
14. In Shanghai, old
people go to the parks -- by the THOUSANDS -- and all
practice Tai Chi, usually as a group. I only got to see a glimpse of it,
but there's nothing like seeing a bunch of old Chinese people crowding
a
square and doing Tai Chi together. Min tells me the Falun Gong used to
be
making lots of noises way back when as well.
15. Qingdao has a
small bay where the beach is. It's like a gigantic
salt-water swimming pool -- the water is very calm and quite warm. They
string a net out to keep sharks and other undesirables away; however,
that
didn't keep the jellyfish out, as Min and I discovered. I got stung on
my
knee, and Min got stung on her eye. Min also got stung by a different
kind of jelly on her left arm. They weren't bad for pain -- Min didn't
even really notice until later, when they began to itch for her -- but
Min
had a puffy eye and some nasty sores on her arm for the rest of the trip.
16. Chinese TV features
a single English-language news station. Their
coverage of the US-Iraq affair seemed relatively fair. Their coverage
of
the US in general seems to be significantly more negative. I saw an ad
on
another sports channel, reminding the Chinese of the goal that wasn't
called that allowed the US Women's soccer team to defeat the Chinese
women's soccer team (sore losers!). The rest of the channels were either
news, Chinese opera, sports, or kung fu movies -- with the occasional
episode of everyone's favorite game show (a "who wants to be a
millionaire?" lookalike).
17. Propaganda billboards
say things like "work hard!" and "respect the
environment." They were outnumbered by advertising billboards everywhere,
and in Shanghai were practically nonexistent. The ratio of propaganda
to
advertisement was highest in Qingdao, NOT Beijing, ironically.
Well, there's the executive summary. I'll probably think of more later...
:)
|
